I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
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Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.