I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
You Might Also Like
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I know a bad idea when I see one.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school