My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
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If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”