“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
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Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.