“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
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Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
The devil.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.