[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
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Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
#polloftheday
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection