Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
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I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Monday
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one