Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
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Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?