I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
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Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”