turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
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*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense