When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
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“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
She was REALLY feeling it.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”