When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
You Might Also Like
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]