[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
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Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.