Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
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can’t believe I got front row seats
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
just pretend nothing happened
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically