scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
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#FireSomeonePolitely
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
The “baby” on the left….
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.