Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
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Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.