bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
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I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.