why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
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To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
So we got a goldfish…
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.