Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
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I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
🍞🦆
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*