The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
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My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that