My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
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Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
But I really needed water water water
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy