Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
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I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.