ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
You Might Also Like
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.