So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
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Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
estão todos miauvindo?
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue