her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
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If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat