The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
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doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me: