before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
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Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
79.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy