judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
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Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?