My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
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me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy