if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
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Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi