[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
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If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued