I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
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Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.