i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
You Might Also Like
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
mom had nothing to worry about
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Brands during Pride
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.