[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
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My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.