My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
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[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]