I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
You Might Also Like
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”