I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
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What kind of a cult is this?
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
PARKOUR
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.