Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
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Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Time heals everything 🙂
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.