Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
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Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I wish I could veto my bills.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Lmfaoooooo
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year