Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
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[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.