Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
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My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Snapes on a plane.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
The funk soul brother
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall