[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
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waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too