No, I don’t think I will.
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Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.