Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
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Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.