Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
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“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
cause of death:
autopsy.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?