My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
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By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
But I really needed water water water
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
How does one answer this?
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?