[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
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Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Thursday
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.