When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
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A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.