white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
You Might Also Like
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.