I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
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Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Twitter fine art
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer